I think most people have heard the saying, “you can’t love someone until you love yourself first,” right? Or at least some variation of this. Well, I disagree.

You CAN love others without loving or valuing yourself. You can easily, selflessly give and give to another, making sacrifice upon sacrifice. You can be the most loving, supportive partner a person has ever had–setting aside your friendships, hobbies, goals, and even your needs. Slowly forsaking all the things that make you, you. All in the name of love…

So sure, you CAN love others without loving yourself, but here’s the catch: You cannot experience real, healthy love without first loving yourself.

When you love others without loving yourself first–without believing in your worth–you may gradually fold into a smaller version of yourself in order to please (and keep) a partner. You might accept less than stellar treatment, toxicity, disrespectful behavior, or even abuse.  Maybe you believe your love can help your partner change, or that you are somehow to blame. So you become selfless and self-sacrificing because the world tells you it’s noble, but what you’re left with is then only a mirage. An illusion. The “love” you share is now based on an altered version of yourself, all for another’s benefit, where you have…

Forsaken your needs.

Your boundaries.

Your desires.

Your voice.

Because loving yourself didn’t seem as important as loving them…

Only when you recognize and validate your innate worthiness of love, belonging & consideration will you ask for it from another. Only when you know you deserve to be loved; will you require it in return. THIS is what loving yourself looks like…

You maintain healthy boundaries, honoring your separateness.

You hold onto your Sacred Things.

You speak your needs and desires.

You own your truth, rather than molding it to please another.

You remain entirely and completely, You.

Two people who love and respect themselves first will experience more authentic connection and intimacy. The relationship they build leaves space for each partner to be an individual, it fosters closer connection because each person speaks their truth, and neither partner folds themselves around the other.  Healthy, lasting love with another, begins within oneself.

So, my advice to you is this: Love yourself the way you want others to love you.  And let the love you give away, be a reflection of the love you give yourself.

I know it can be difficult sometimes, especially when people from our past have undermined this truth. All the more reason we need to be reminded of this again and again. So, for those who have been taught the contrary…let me assure you of this now…

You. Deserve. To. Be. Loved.